Reflecting on my life so far, now in my mid 30s, I can take a step back and see the journey I have been on so far, striving to live my best life. I’ve always wanted to be the best, most healthy version of myself and it’s been a slow process of peeling back my layers to understand myself better. The analogy of an onion seemed fitting for me to explain my process of self reflection and growth.
The backstory
I’ve always had a need to improve myself. Reflecting on it now, it probably stems from growing up undiagnosed with autism and the battle I faced on a daily basis. My childhood was extremely hard for me, constantly trying to learn the best way to communicate with other people so that I didn’t seem “weird”. Feeling out of place and different to others was a daily struggle and I spent a lot of time observing and analysing others to fit in as best I could. This took a lot of time and energy and I certainly missed the mark on many occasions!
Throughout my childhood, my mum was unwell. She had and still has severe depression, as well as back problems that significantly reduced her mobility and meant she was constantly in pain. I saw her mentally give up on more than one occasion and just settle for a life that in my opinion was not living her life to the fullest. My childhood had a lack of fun, silliness and enjoyment that of course stemmed from one parent being unwell and another trying their best to be a single parent, whilst looking after their partner.
Looking back on this now, I was quick to judge and lacking in empathy, but I was just analysing the facts as they presented themselves to me as a child. This observation of my mother has been a significant driver in me to never give up and not to settle for a life where I wasn’t enjoying myself, living life and having fun.
Peeling back my layers has been a slow process over the years- and I’m not done yet! I’m going to explore the main layers that I’ve been peeling back so far. These are mental health, physical health and my autism diagnosis.
The mental health layers
Having some knowledge of mental health from my mother being ill made me question how I was feeling as a teenager and despite going to the doctor thinking I was depressed, I was told that I was making it up. This set me back a few years, until I was at university and massively struggling on a daily basis. I sought out mental health support and had some counselling sessions, which opened my eyes to how I was feeling.
After quitting university (I’ll explain more in another blog post), I learnt about anxiety and went back to the doctors to discuss that I thought I had anxiety and depression. This time I had an understanding doctor, got my diagnosis, medication and referral for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Although I didn’t particularly benefit from the medication or therapy, it helped to spur me on to self reflection and other things that might help improve my mental health.
Through educating myself, I realised that I was having panic attacks and insomnia every night from the age of 5 (that I can remember), struggled with low mood and high anxiety levels. This spurred me to try a variety of strategies to improve my mental health, including acupuncture, crystal therapy, massage, and am still on my meditation journey. Understanding and being able to help manage my mental health better has been an important factor in unpicking my true self and being able to enjoy my life.
The physical health layers
Physically, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with energy levels and pain in my body. As a teenager and young adult, just touching me anywhere on my body would cause extreme pain and I would be forever feeling high levels of fatigue no matter how much I slept.
I started to notice that I would feel more unwell when eating certain foods so over a number of years, I successfully cut out a number of triggers from my diet. These include gluten, dairy, eggs, caffeine, processed sugar, high FODMAP foods, nightshades, coconut and chocolate. There’s probably some I have missed but these are the bulk of them! This has helped to promote more clarity in my brain to some extent, has eased stomach discomfort and actually helped reduce my anxiety levels too.
From there, I was able to notice I still had high levels of fatigue and pain in my body and went to the doctors to explain how I was feeling. In truth, I felt like I was dying, in a zombified state with slow thinking, extreme exhaustion and unrelenting pain in my muscles and joints. On top of this, I was getting daily migraines that just weren’t going away despite being referred to a neurologist. In 2018, just after I got married, I received a diagnosis of ME (also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS) and fibromyalgia.
The diagnoses caused me to make some big changes in my life, which were hard to accept but necessary for me to peel back my layers further. I quit my highly stressful job where I was working anything from 50-70 hours per week and moved into a part-time, remote working role with less responsibility. I learnt how to pace my activity and found a number of other things that helped me feel more balanced. The change was hard to accept and I still find myself frustrated with my reduced mobility and ability to live like a “normal” person.
The autism diagnosis
I’m going to write a post about my eureka moment, when I first thought I was autistic, but this additional piece in the puzzle has been a journey in itself. First learning more about autism, plucking up the courage to go to the doctors about it to get a referral and then finally getting my diagnosis at the age of 34 was hard but probably the most significant moment in my life so far, and something I am proud of.
Everything that had happened in my life, seemed to click into place at that moment. So many memories came back to me and I was able to realise, “oh, that’s why I acted that way”. My tantrums, feeling out of place and “different to others”, my lack of emotional control, my need for structure and planning, how I plan out whole conversations in my head, my inability to cope in social situations, coupled with consistent anxiety all made sense in that moment.
I can finally work towards truly understanding who I am and to strive to live as my authentic self. I’m not there yet, but feel like I am moving in the right direction. I’m taking a deep dive into myself, my past, who I am as a person, a wife, a friend and who I want to be going forwards. I’m currently seeing a therapist who specialises in neurodivergence (and is neurodivergent herself), and this is really helping me to gain the clarity that I need.
The link between ME, fibromyalgia and autism
I’ve learnt through my therapist that there are some studies coming out linking both ME/CFS and fibromyalgia to autism. I find this really interesting and hope to dive deeper into the topic myself soon. It makes sense because I have internalised and masked a lot of my autism traits over the years. For example, I will sit extremely still, often sitting on my hands to the point that they have lost all feeling in them, in order to look like I am able to sit still and appear “normal” to other people when in conversation, or prepare for every eventuality of a conversation so that I can hold a conversation with someone effectively. The stress and strain I’m taking to fit in has a big impact on my mind and body. It would make sense for me to have mental and physical exhaustion as well as pain from the mental stress and physical strain that I am putting on my body, particularly when masking my autism.
Looking forwards
This sums up how I’ve explored my journey as an onion so far. Looking at where my need for self improvement has originated, piecing together the mental health, physical health and autism to get me to this point.
I’m really excited to continue to grow and peel back my layers to be able to live my life the way I want to, to be happy with who I am and to share my journey. This post is more of an overall perspective and I am hoping to write others that have an intimate focus on aspects of this post.
I would love to hear your thoughts and if anything I have mentioned resonates with you, please share your journey with me. Whether that be a personal one or one of a friend or loved one.
Much love, Rachael xx
Each layer I peel takes time and energy. If you’d like to help keep the onion blooming, please donate through this link.
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