The missing piece in my self-growth
I’ve always been driven to be the best version of myself, even while navigating mental health challenges like panic, low mood, and high anxiety from a young age.
For many years I’ve been practising meditation, gratitude, self-love and kindness, trying to create a sense of self-equilibrium and calm. I’ve certainly had some success but always felt that there was something missing. Some unknown next phase that I hadn’t yet discovered.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was missing, until something shifted. It wasn’t until I recently began counselling from a neurodivergent specialist that I started to realise that I haven’t been embracing my whole self.
In this blog post, I want to share with you my journey of discovering the different parts that make up my whole being, and the positive impact that this has had on me.
Meeting my inner parts in therapy
I recently shared a blog post about how therapy helped me to understand my emotions. When I started slowing down and noticing, I was able to begin allowing and feeling emotions within my body. Through this process, it enabled me to notice some of the parts that make up my whole self.
This new awareness opened the door to a deeper understanding of my often jumbled, foggy mind, where thoughts intertwine and make it hard to focus or find clarity.
My thoughts often intertwine so much that it’s difficult to focus on just one and understand the meaning of it. Coupled with this, my brain and thought processing is always on the go and it can be hard to switch it off, particularly when I am trying to rest.
It can make me feel overwhelmed, anxious and panicked.
During therapy I began to notice distinct internal ‘parts’. Aspects of myself that seem to carry their own roles, feelings, and perspectives.
One of the first parts that became clear to me during this phase of self-inquiry was something I came to call ‘The Machine’.
Getting to know ‘The Machine’
In one of my therapy sessions, once I had started slowing down and noticing, I became aware of an area in my brain where constant, whirring thought-processing takes place. I described it to my therapist as The Machine.
The Machine replays conversations long after they’ve happened, often sending me thoughts and realisations days, weeks, even years later. When these thoughts arrive, they’re usually accompanied by a heavy, fearful feeling in my throat. Like a wave of dread.
It also plans ahead, running through scenarios and conversations before they happen, trying to make sure I’m prepared and don’t make mistakes.
At first, I told my therapist that I hated The Machine. It felt overwhelming and relentless. Impossible to switch off. I couldn’t relax or feel at peace with it always running in the background.
But instead of trying to silence it, I got curious. I approached The Machine with compassion, and what I noticed surprised me. It was hurt. Upset that I had said I hated it.
That realisation stopped me in my tracks. I felt sad and confused. How could I treat a part of myself that way?
Sitting with that sadness opened something up in me. I started to see The Machine not as a problem, but as a protector. It’s been helping me navigate a world that wasn’t designed for neurodivergent people. It’s the part that helped me mask, observe, analyse, and learn how to fit in. It was trying to keep me safe.
I began to see that The Machine was a valuable part of me.
But it wasn’t the only one. I also became aware of another internal part. A perfectionist energy that sits in a different part of my mind. It wants things done now and done right.
Though I haven’t named this part yet, I recognise its striving energy. It wants everything done now and done perfectly. A helpful force, but often a stressful one.
Meeting my inner child
The third part of me that I have noticed is my Inner Child. When I approached it inquisitively, I noticed that it was feeling lonely and sad.
I have a lot of pain from my childhood. Built up from trying to fit into a world geared towards neurotypicals. Knowing I was different and confused as to why I didn’t fit in.
Over the past few months, I’ve spent time during my daily meditations focusing on my Inner Child. Sending her love and kindness. Accepting her as part of me.
Letting her in was a challenging process at first, stirring up strong emotions, but now I enjoy checking in with her and making sure she is ok.
It’s been a liberating and highly rewarding experience. The more I accept her and let her in, the more I’m feeling at peace.
Learning about Internal Family Systems
I’ve been learning that through this process, I have been getting to know my whole self through Internal Family Systems (IFS). According to the IFS Institute, “IFS is a transformative tool that conceives of every human being as a system of protective and wounded inner parts led by a core Self.” They believe that “the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing. Just like members of a family, inner parts are forced from their valuable states into extreme roles within us.”.1
This resonated with me when I read about it. I do feel like the individual parts within myself that I have discovered, have all been there to protect me and keep me safe.
Letting go of the need to know everything
Over time, these moments added up to something powerful.
I’ve learned it’s okay not to know everything about myself or to uncover every single part all at once.
I’m being gentle and kind with myself. I know that if I discover another part, it will be when I need to find it, at the right time for me. I’m always going to be inquisitive to myself and know that other parts may reveal themselves to me when the time is right.
Knowing and understanding these newly discovered parts of myself has allowed me to be kinder to myself as a whole and embrace each of those parts individually. I’ve noticed that by being kinder to them, my brain isn’t quite so jumbled and confused all of the time.
I’m using less energy now, no longer caught in unconscious loops of negative thinking.
I’ve also noticed that these parts of my whole are helping me uncover what it is to be myself authentically and aiding in the process of unmasking.
I’ve gained the courage to trust in myself more, trust in my intuition and do what I feel is appropriate at the time. This gentler way of relating to myself naturally began influencing how I cared for myself in daily life.
Building daily practices for self-compassion
I now regularly check in with myself throughout the day to see how I’m feeling internally and depending on the situation, particularly if I know it will trigger one of those individual parts, checking in with one of them directly.
It’s helping me notice triggers for overstimulation and overwhelm that I might have otherwise overlooked.
I’m not sure how I decided to do this. It just felt natural and I tried it one day.
A new way to sleep (and live) with peace
Each night, I do a short debrief, checking in with how each part of me is feeling, even those I haven’t fully met yet.
I thank them for supporting me through the day, send them love and gratitude, and let them know we now all need to rest so that we are feeling refreshed for our day tomorrow.
Taking the steps to do this short exercise every evening has greatly improved my ability to drift off and remain asleep.
If I wake up in the night and find a part of myself powering back up, I do another debrief to help me fall back asleep.
As someone who has struggled with insomnia since the age of 5, it has been such a wonderful experience to be able to sleep more soundly.
The ongoing journey of self-acceptance
I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know myself better, learning how to be more grateful and kind to myself and seeing the positive effects from it.
Each new part I’ve uncovered has helped me peel back a layer of the masking I’ve learned to survive. These discoveries have grounded me, helping me understand who I truly am.
My journey on this topic has only just begun, and I believe it is becoming a great support system to help me to continue to navigate life as I peel back my layers.
For someone late-diagnosed with autism, learning to understand and accept these parts has helped me feel more grounded in who I truly am.
I’ve created a visual for you to show how I embrace my whole self. I hope it guides you in your own path too.
Have you discovered any internal parts of yourself? Do they share similarities with mine, or are they completely different? I’d really love to hear your story and connect with you.
Much love,
Rachael xx
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