The Invisible Onion

My Grandad recently passed away. As I’ve been navigating this grief, I’ve felt a strong need to share some new discoveries and coping strategies, as well as how I’ve been putting into practice what I talked about in my previous blog post How Therapy Helped Me Understand My Emotions as an Autistic Adult.

Grieving as a sensitive, autistic person

Grief is difficult for anyone, and even more so when you’re autistic. I find that I am a highly sensitive person. I form deep emotional attachments very quickly.

This is true of friends and family but I can also get attached to people that I’ve never met, like celebrities I resonate with. If someone passes away, I still go through the grieving process. 

For example, I adored this little cat who had some life impairing disabilities called Lil Bub. I followed her on Instagram and was so excited every time she had a new post. I felt like I knew her. She had a shorter than normal life expectancy and when she passed away I was overwhelmed with grief.

So when someone close to me passes away, the grief hits intensely.

Losing my Grandad

Putting therapy Into practice

When I first found out the news that he had passed, I was naturally upset and my brain felt all jumbled. Luckily I was able to take the day off of work. 

I instinctively turned to self-care through gentle yoga and meditation. 

During my yoga and meditation sessions, I followed the steps to understanding my emotions that I’ve learnt from therapy- slowing down, noticing, allowing, feeling, embracing and creating space.

A key takeaway here was allowing myself to truly feel those intense emotions. Every time that I have experienced grief in the past, I have fought hard against my emotions, not giving them the space to sit there and breathe. I’d get frustrated and shove them deep down, not to be processed and this has caused me to hold onto a lot of painful feelings for years.

Learning to ride the emotional waves

On my second day of grieving, I noticed that I felt lighter than I had the previous day. Still with heightened emotions but able to cope better.

When I woke up on day three, I was surprised that I felt absolutely awful. I felt so depressed that I struggled to get out of bed, let alone complete any daily tasks. This made me feel frustrated. I thought I’d made progress—why did I feel like I was backsliding?

As the day wore on and I was reflecting, I came to the realisation that allowing myself to feel depressed was also ok. Those feelings were valid and it was just the next step in my grieving process. I understood that I would have my ups and downs as I navigated my grief and I just had to ride the wave. I just needed to listen to my intuition and roll with how I was feeling each day.

After this realisation, I did just that and continued to allow my body to go through the motions. I practised kind self-talk and gave myself the love I deserved.

Unmasking through grief

Along the way, I’ve learnt not to compare my experience of grief with other people’s. In the past, I have looked at others and been confused why they are able to be much stronger than me. I’ve got upset at myself for being so sensitive and ended up burying my emotions so that I appear normal in other people’s eyes. 

This masking process has done me no favours. It has accumulated a buildup of unprocessed pain that has constantly been lurking under the surface, able to burst out at any moment unawares. 

Recognising that, this time, I’ve done things differently. As part of my conscious effort to unmask (and this isn’t easy) and through allowing and embracing my emotions, I’ve learnt that each person processes their grief differently and I need to stay true to myself.

The power of comfort and connection

Self-love and self-kindness have been invaluable for me during the grieving process. Taking time for small comforts and shifting my internal self-talk have helped.

In spite of this, I wanted to touch on the importance of connections with others. Sharing your story with a loved one can be a powerful way to heal. I reached out to my husband and closest friends as soon as I got the news. I knew they’d listen and show me the support that I needed. 

And let’s not forget cuddles! Everyone needs a hug when they are feeling rubbish. Their power can be game changing. If you don’t have a person to hug, there are still some great options out there. 

I love cuddling my favourite soft toys. They’re always there for me, never judging. Pets can have the same effect and I also love a tree hug (don’t discount it until you have tried it- nature can be very healing). If none of those options are available to you then a pillow can be amazing or just even wrapping your arms around yourself and giving yourself a big hug.

Setting boundaries whilst grieving

One thing that I have always struggled with is setting clear boundaries with people. I think this is partly because of the fact that I mask a lot. I want to be able to fit in so I do what I think other people want of me rather than staying true to myself. 

On previous occasions of grieving, I have put others’ needs before my own, causing me to give all my energy to others and disregarding my own needs. This has left me completely drained, often leading to burnout. 

Through my journey of peeling back my layers, I am aware that burnout is a significant risk for me in many situations and I am trying to understand my triggers better.

Because of this awareness, I am actively trying to set clear boundaries with people. It tied in nicely to my grieving process and allowed me to focus on myself first so that I could support others too.

My autistic grief toolkit

My grieving process isn’t over yet, but I am feeling better equipped than I have been previously to navigate it. Making a few small changes tailored to my autism has been helpful.

Here are the tools that have helped me the most (laid out in visual too):

• Allow yourself to feel your emotions– don’t ignore them, they are there to help you through the process.
• Ride the wave– no two days will be the same and don’t get frustrated if you take a few steps forwards followed by a few steps back.
• Listen to your intuition– do what feels right at the time through each step in your process.
• Don’t compare yourself to other people– you are unique and amazing. So what if someone else experiences grief in a different way to you.
• Practice self love– do things that help you in the moment with self-healing in mind.
• Get some cuddles– whether that’s with a partner, relative or friend, a cuddly toy, a pet, a tree, a pillow or yourself! 
• Set clear boundaries– put yourself first and it will make it easier to support others.

I’d love to hear your reflections on this topic. What has helped you through grief? Please feel free to share in the comments, or just take what you need from this post and know you’re not alone.

Much love,

Rachael xx

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