The Invisible Onion

Discovering the signs in myself

My husband and I were recently going through an online adult ADHD test. We think it’s very likely he has ADHD, and have done this test with him before. We were doing another check to confirm what we already suspected.

This time as we were running through it, I started answering the questions quietly in my head in respect to myself. Some of the criteria really stood out to me and made me think, perhaps I also have it? 

In this shorter post, I’ll share why I believe I may have ADHD alongside autism, how I’ve come to this realisation, and the steps I plan to take next.

Why now?

Why haven’t the criteria jumped out at me before? 

Well, I’ve been reflecting on this question and have realised that I don’t think I was at a point in my self-understanding to be able to notice the criteria in myself before. You’d think by now because I’m in my 30s, I should have a clear understanding of who I am but I think that part of my journey has only just begun.

Since getting my autism diagnosis, I have learnt so much more about who I am behind my constant masking. When you mask to such a high level all the time, it can be hard to see who you are underneath it all.

The way I speak, behave and conduct myself in everyday life is so well practised and prepared that I have lost my authentic self.

Peeling back those layers has given me a new sense of clarity that I didn’t have before. 

ADHD traits that resonate

Let’s take a look at some of the ADHD criteria that stood out for me.

• Difficulty sitting still, fidgeting or squirming– this one I had previously overlooked because I force myself to sit very still frequently. I mask this one a lot, always feel uncomfortable sitting still but suppress the urge to move, resulting in high levels of burnout.
• Being on the go, feeling compelled to do things as if driven by a motor– there is a part of me that always wants to jump into tasks straight away. It feels like I can’t contain myself and feels like a pushing force throughout my body. And let’s not forget the relentless Machine in my head. Something I described in a previous blog post.
• Finding it hard to remain focused– my brain is always darting off with new ideas and has so much going on that I struggle to focus on one thing at a time. I have to physically force myself to focus. It’s worse in group settings and I often drift off into my own world and miss what is being said by others.
• Making decisions quickly without thinking through the consequences– this one I’m split on. My autistic side wants to plan and think things through, but there’s another part of me that gets very excited and jumps at decisions quickly.
• Inability to control impulses– this is definitely true of my emotions when I am unmasked, sudden uncontrollable outbursts. I find it hard to wait on anything, even in conversations I get excited and feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t say what comes into my head.

The push and pull of autism and ADHD

Having both autism and ADHD would make a lot of sense. I regularly have internal struggles in my brain because of conflicting parts. This can result in physical pain and confusion in my head that can lead to emotional explosions and burnout.

My autistic side loves structure and routine. I like having a detailed plan, focusing on doing the things that are tried and tested and I know I will work for me. 

At the same time, there is another part of me that craves exciting new things. Going on adventures, trying new things and exploring the world. When I act on these impulses, I can put myself in situations that cause me autistic overstimulation and get overwhelmed.

There is a constant flip flopping in my mind from one part to the other and I find it frustrating and stressful because I can struggle to find the balance between both. I’m intrigued to explore this further and find a path that works for me. 

If you experience something similar and are further along on your journey, I’d love to hear from you with any advice!

What’s next for me

I’ll be sharing more about my journey on this topic as I learn more and go through the diagnosis process. I’m feeling curious and excited to explore further.

Next steps for me are to get referred by my GP and put myself onto a diagnosis waiting list. I’m awaiting some tests for physical symptoms I’ve been experiencing. Because of that, I want to hold off approaching my GP about ADHD for now. I think having two things on the go will cause me to feel overwhelmed.

I know ADHD waiting lists tend to be longer than for autism, but I’m happy to wait. Getting an official diagnosis feels important for my journey.

Whilst I was waiting for my autism diagnosis, I didn’t make any big changes. They happened after and are continuing to occur. This time with ADHD, I have more confidence in trusting in myself and will be learning and actioning changes as I go. Watch this space for more updates!

I know everyone’s experience is different, and I’m still at the beginning of exploring this part of myself. If you’re on a similar path, whether just starting out or further along, I’d love to hear how it’s been for you. We’re all learning together.

Much love,

Rachael xx

Peeling back each layer takes time and energy. If you’d like to support The Invisible Onion and help keep the onion blooming, please donate through this link.