The Invisible Onion

I’m a big music fan, and when I find an artist I love, I tend to listen to them on repeat for months, sometimes even years. 

To put this into perspective: from 2021 to 2023, I had the same artist as my top artist on Spotify and was in the top 0.1% of listeners each time.

I know I can get pretty fixated on one artist, so I make an effort to mix things up and explore new music too. 

Discovering a new favourite

Last year, I wanted to discover some new dance music, so I started watching a variety of Boiler Room sets on YouTube with my husband. As soon as I started watching Malugi, I fell in love with his upbeat, infectious music.

I find it so easy to listen to and it instantly boosts my mood. Plus it’s great when I get that urge to start moving my body if I’m struggling to regulate my emotions.

He was my most listened to artist on Spotify last year, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he tops the list again this year!

Once an artist becomes my favourite, I feel an irresistible urge to see them live. It’s like something in my body needs to experience their music in person. I’ve been keeping an eye out for over a year now to try to see him. 

In this post, I run through with you my experience of seeing one of my favourite artists. The ups and downs and the ultimate success of the day for me.

It can be hard for me to see dance music artists because most DJs play late night shows and they don’t work for me. I need to stick as close to my usual bedtime routine as possible, because this helps keep my body as regulated as possible, and I’m less likely to slide into overwhelm or burnout.

About a month ago, I received a notification that Malugi would be playing in London and it was a daytime event that finished at 9pm!

I squealed with excitement and knew that this was my chance to see him live. I messaged my friend who lives close to where the event was taking place and luckily she was free on that date.

Not only was the event finishing at 9pm, but also it was an outside venue. I find outside venues much better to cope with because I don’t feel the intense pressure of feeling trapped inside. Outside venues give me more space to move and I enjoy feeling the fresh air on my skin.

Still, I knew that even when the conditions seem ideal, my excitement can sometimes tip into overwhelm. To avoid a repeat of past crashes, I tried to plan ahead and give myself the best chance of enjoying the day.

Planning for a joyful experience

When I finished work for the week, I got so excited that the event was in a few days. I couldn’t contain myself and kept thinking about it constantly. The constant anticipation overwhelmed my brain, and I ended up crashing into burnout. I was exhausted after my spike of intense excitement and was so fatigued that I completely missed an appointment that I had booked in that afternoon. 

The next day, I was reflecting on my crash and it reminded me of my 21st birthday. I had all my friends with me, ready to go to see another DJ that I loved and I got so over-excited that I ended up having to lie on the floor to collect myself.

Evidenced by my recent experience, I’m not quite there yet, but this time I did notice that it was happening and immediately did some self-care to try to calm myself down. I did some relaxing yoga and afterwards lay on the sofa with my noise cancelling headphones underneath my weighted blanket.

Because of catching my heightened emotions earlier, by the time it got to the event, I was feeling much calmer. 

The day of the event

On the day, I did some prep to make sure that I could enjoy the event to the fullest and minimise my anxiety levels:

• I researched the venue– I hadn’t been to the venue before and naturally the not knowing can cause me anxiety. I was able to paint a good picture of what it was like so that I knew what to expect.
• I wore clothing that I knew I would be comfortable in– If I’m wearing something uncomfortable, it can heighten my unease in an unfamiliar place and contribute to me feeling overwhelmed.
• I made sure I ate a big meal before I went out– I have a lot of food intolerances and even when there is food at an event, I often can’t eat it. Not knowing if I can eat somewhere or not can cause increased anxiety, plus I can get hangry if I need to eat.
• I arrived at the last entry time– to minimise the amount of time that I would be exposed to the loud music, and likely sensory overload!
• I made sure that I explained my concerns about the event to my friend beforehand– this is something that is new to me and I’m still learning my triggers but my friend was there to support me through the whole event and kept checking in on me.

Those prep steps helped set me up as best I could before the event, but of course I know there are always going to be a variety of unknowns when I leave the safety of a controlled environment, like being at my friend’s house.

Sensory challenges and little victories

Here are some of the key moments during the event that I am proud to have successfully navigated:

• I was bursting for the toilet when I arrived, only to end up queuing for 25 minutes, with a very loud, obnoxious person right behind me, booming comments directly into my ears. This made me feel overstimulated and anxious. The sound of the person’s voice was vibrating through my body. In times gone past, I would have let this initial experience affect the overall outcome of my experience and likely would have wanted to go home but I kept telling myself that this was temporary and it was  only one person out of the whole event.
• It was really hard to see the DJ booth because it wasn’t raised and there was a viewing platform right in the middle of the crowd. The viewing platform was full and impossible to get into and the crowd was packed around it. I successfully managed to find a few spots in the crowd where I got a good view of the DJ booth and then just spent the rest of my time enjoying the music.
• After about an hour of dancing, my friend asked me if I was ok. I’m aware that when I get overstimulated, my face goes completely blank and I look sad or grumpy. On this occasion and on many before this in my life, I’m not aware that I’m doing it. I was so glad that my friend pointed it out to me. We took a break on some benches away from the crowd, and returned when I felt ready.

The unexpected meet-and-greet

“You need to meet Malugi.”

— My husband, manifesting the moment before I even believed it could happen.

Before I had left for my friend’s house, my husband said to me, “you need to meet Malugi”. At the time I was thinking, there is absolutely no way that will happen, but it did! 

At the end of the event, he was meeting with fans. I cannot explain how excited I was when I realised that I was going to meet him. Because I didn’t think that I would meet him, I hadn’t done my usual planning out of the conversation in my head beforehand. So when I met him, I just kept repeating to him how much I loved him. I was extremely tongue tied. 

Reflections and takeaways

As an autistic person, music has always been a grounding force for me. It’s helped me navigate my hardest days and has been the soundtrack to some of my most joyful moments.

I wanted to share this post to show how complex attending events can be as an autistic person and how, with the right support and preparation, they can also be incredibly rewarding.

I would love to hear your experiences too. I know they aren’t always as positive as mine was. I’ve had my share of bad experiences too. Please do share in the comments.

Much love,

Rachael xx

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