The Invisible Onion

I’ve always wanted to be “creative,” but I thought I lacked the skills and never quite found my niche.

Since understanding more about how my autism affects me, a whole new creative world has opened itself to me and I wanted to explore my learnings with you in this post and explain what a positive impact it has had on my overall mental and physical wellbeing.

How autism changed my view of creativity

From an early age, I have had a wonderfully curious mind and a vivid imagination. I absolutely love exploring fantasy worlds and scenarios in my head.

I would spend hours at a time as a child imagining myself in an alternate fantasy world, as well as reading fantasy books, absorbing myself in another reality, and this would be a great coping strategy for me when I struggled to fit into the world around me.

At the time, I didn’t see my vivid imagination as a form of creativity. I didn’t enjoy creative subjects at school as I didn’t like following the rules that came with the learning. For example, having to create a painting in art class in a certain theme or way that I didn’t understand or simply didn’t like.

Tasks that require fine motor coordination, like sewing or cutting fabric, have always been a challenge for me — I often take much longer than others and find them mentally draining.

And as much as music is a big part of my life and has helped me through the toughest times in my life, I have struggled to learn an instrument or to make music myself. 

I know I’ve only mentioned a few creative outlets here but I genuinely thought that I lacked any creative talents and as a teenager would tell others that I “wasn’t creative”.

From this point onwards, I just gave up finding any sort of creative outlet.

When fatigue took over

My outlook only got worse when I got diagnosed with ME/CFS in my late 20s. Rest was a big part of the advice from professionals and I was encouraged to pace my activities.

This led to me focusing only on gentle activities that would help my brain and body relax, reducing the chance of me overexerting myself and worsening my fatigue levels. 

At my lowest points, even something small like repeatedly moving my arm to write or paint could worsen my symptoms — so I avoided anything that might overstimulate me.

The turning point in therapy

It wasn’t until I started therapy a few months ago that something began to shift. I explained to my therapist that I often felt a strange pressure inside my head — like something was going to burst. It felt like there was something untapped in me that needed to get out, but I didn’t know what it was. It could even be physically painful at times, and made it hard to focus on anything else.

Shortly after that conversation, I began journaling to try and untangle some of the thoughts and emotions swirling around.

To my surprise, I noticed that the pressure in my head started to ease. That’s when a thought hit me: could this be creative energy that had been building up inside me for years, just waiting for a release?

I started highlighting my journal, adding notes and piecing my written thoughts together more. This made me feel a buzz- I felt excited, my thoughts kept flowing more and I was really enjoying myself.

And guess what? The extra brain activity wasn’t making me feel more fatigued, I was actually feeling ENERGISED!

I couldn’t believe it. After so many years of trying to reduce my brain activity, particularly after burning out from work, I’d actually found an activity that could help me feel boosted and release some positive emotions, that wasn’t a purely relaxing activity.

I thought I should try writing and I love the feeling that I get when I am in the flow of it. From there, I started this blog.

I’m not saying I’m super talented, but I enjoy it and I have found a creative outlet, and that is the most important thing.

After speaking with my therapist, she mentioned that it is common for people who are neurodivergent to need to release their creative energy. 

Reclaiming creativity, my way

With the new found realisation, I started looking back at other things that I enjoyed doing and realised I do in fact have a creative side to me. 

I love planning little events for my friends and family and I go into a lot of detail into making sure every element is covered. I love picking themes and rolling with them. I love decorating my house, researching ideas and bringing these to life. I love styling myself and other people too.

It’s so nice to have a passion project of my own now. For years, I have looked at others with some incredible hobbies, and whilst feeling amazed and proud of them, have felt deflated and sad that I would never have anything like that of my own. 

What creativity has given me

I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity that my autism diagnosis has given me. Tapping into my creative energy after years of it building up has been one of many new discoveries that have greatly improved my quality of life. 

Not only does it give me a release of feel-good energy, but I have something that I am proud of and really enjoy doing that is completely my own. It has boosted my mental and physical wellbeing.

I’ve also realised that creativity doesn’t always have to lead to something tangible. Sometimes it’s simply about exploring, daydreaming, or playing with ideas in your head. And that still counts. It’s been so freeing to let go of the idea that creativity has to look a certain way or produce something polished.

I know that I can’t be constantly working on creative projects all the time and if I did then it would inevitably lead me to burnout. I plan short spurts of creative time, in between less stimulating activities.

It’s also made me take a look at other aspects of my life, including my work (post on this coming up!) and make some big changes for the better.

Creativity is no longer something I chase — it’s something I’m finally allowing myself to feel. And that feels like magic.

I can’t wait to see what other creative projects I can work on in the future as I continue to peel back my layers.

I’d love to know if this resonates with you. What brings out your creativity, even in small, unexpected ways? Whether it’s daydreaming, journaling, or styling your home, it all counts. Feel free to share below.  I always love hearing your stories.

Much love,

Rachael xx

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