The Invisible Onion

Earlier this year, I realised that I was in the wrong job. I think deep down I had known it for a while but wasn’t willing to admit it to myself. Today, I want to share what I’ve learned about myself in a work environment and the changes I’ve made for the better.

Starting out in the working world

Let’s take a trip back to when I was starting out in the working world. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing or where I wanted to go in my career. After I had quit my university course, I was lost and deflated in many ways. I had been working in catering to earn extra money whilst studying, so I just stayed on full time.

Looking back, I can say with conviction that working in catering wasn’t a good fit for me. The constant social interaction, the loud noises, and the strong smells all added up. I can see now that I was persistently overstimulated and unhappy.

After this I had a short sales admin stint and then fell into a career in recruitment. In my 20s, my main focus in my career was to progress because that’s what the world told me to do. I’d work ridiculous hours because that’s what was expected of me. 

I was feeling constantly burnt out, fatigued and unable to function outside of work, but when I was at work I was masking and just pushing through the discomfort.

Diagnosis and a turning point

I knew I couldn’t keep going the way I was and when I was 29, I gave myself a deadline. I told myself that I would go to the doctors about how I was feeling right after my wedding. 

Post-wedding, I went to the doctor and this is when I received my diagnosis of ME/CFS and fibromyalgia. It was a shock, and I realised I needed to make some big changes in my working life.

So, I changed career and moved into a back office facing, remote working and part-time role. I was so lucky to find this type of role, particularly when it was before COVID had hit. Remote working was so rare in those days.

In this role I was able to manage my fatigue and other symptoms relatively well once I learnt how to pace myself and not trigger my symptoms.

Fast-forward a few years and it was time to leave that role. An ex-colleague had started a new business and they needed someone in recruitment, still mostly remote-working and part-time so I jumped at the chance.

I didn’t think that decision through. Over the years, I’ve felt more and more burnt out, but I didn’t take action. I was masking so deeply, caught in a vicious cycle, and too scared to address it.

I am naturally not the best at setting boundaries at work because I’ve always tended to put other people’s needs before my own. Plus, I don’t think I was even aware what would work for me or what action I needed to take.

Learning what I need

Since my autism diagnosis, I’ve been learning so much about myself. Especially what I need in a work setting. Once I understood those needs, I decided it was time to take action.

This was one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life. I find it so difficult to communicate what I need to people, particularly in a work setting. I think this stems from a life of masking, leading me to lose my identity and not wanting to cause any sort of fuss so I don’t stand out in any way.

Voicing my needs at work

I arranged a call with my manager to let her know how I was feeling. I was extremely anxious before the call, even though my manager is so supportive and approachable. All the different outcomes of the call were running through my head.

To help myself prepare, I wrote out everything I wanted to say and kept practising it.

The biggest thing for me was wanting to change my role to be more back office facing. My role is very meeting heavy, which leads to me being overstimulated and not being able to function after work. 

I get intense burnout and headaches and just can’t complete any household tasks. It impacts my non-working days and weekends, where I constantly have to cancel plans with friends and family. Naturally, my mental health suffers too.

When it came to the call, I explained as best I could and was prepared for my manager to say no. As soon as I had finished talking, my manager said yes to trying to help make the changes. I couldn’t believe it and was incredibly proud of myself. It was such a big moment.

What’s next and a note on reasonable adjustments

A few months later, a job has come up with our parent company to work in a more back office focused role and I’m going to trial it for a few months to see if it’s going to work for me. I’m extremely excited (and also a little nervous), but I know the team already, which really helps make me feel more comfortable about changing jobs.

I’ll be writing an update once I’m up and running to let you know how I get on!

I honestly couldn’t have made these changes without my autism diagnosis. It’s helped me understand myself so much better.

I know not everyone has a supportive work environment like mine, and I don’t take that for granted. But I’m also proud of the work I’ve done to get clear on what I need and to speak it out loud.

Without knowing it, I have slowly been making changes to my work that are better for me as an autistic person, such as working remotely to reduce overstimulation and working part-time to allow myself more time to de-stress so that I can enjoy my weekends.

I’m proud of myself for voicing what I need and being more confident in who I am.

Big shout out to my husband, also known as Egg (I’ll have to explain this to you at some point!) who has never hesitated when I’ve told him what I need. He always supports me wholeheartedly and pulls more than his share from a financial perspective.

Did you know that in the UK, if you have autism or any neurodivergence, you are entitled to reasonable adjustments to support you at work? Reasonable adjustments are basically changes to your role and working environment to help you thrive. I’m going to write my next post about this to give more clarity on the topic and provide some handy links.

I would love to hear from my fellow onions on your experiences at work. For so many of us it can be hard to adapt to a working environment and I know that a lot of people haven’t been as fortunate as me to be able to change their work. Please do share your story in the comments below.

Much love,

Rachael xx

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