The Invisible Onion

Do you ever notice how time can move at completely different speeds depending on what’s happening in your life? I recently reached the one-year anniversary of my autism diagnosis. 

I look back and think, wow, that feels like a lifetime ago, and yet when I think of Egg’s (that’s my husband’s) 40th birthday, which was around the same time, that seems so much more recent.

I’m sure there’s a scientific reason for this, but my sense is that I’ve made so much progress this past year that it feels like a much longer time than it really is.

Letting it all sink in

I need to take a moment to let it all sink in… I am hugely proud of myself and everything I’ve achieved in the past year.

Before my diagnosis, my self-confidence had been shot to pieces. I didn’t know who I was and how to live as my authentic self. She was inside me, but I was lost.

Putting the pieces together

In typical me fashion, I went into overdrive, putting my hyperfocusing skills to use, trying to understand autism, especially in women, and how it might relate to me. As mentioned before, I sought out a therapist to help me on my journey of self-discovery and tried my hardest to put the pieces together.

At the time, I felt like I was making some progress. Incredible things were happening, like recognising emotions in my body for the first time in… I don’t even know how many years. Maybe ever.

When I look back now, I can see it was significant progress, and I’m so much more confident in who I am, what works for me, and what doesn’t. I can confidently disclose that I have autism to anyone and I really don’t care if they judge me or not. If someone judges me now, I know they just don’t deserve my time, whereas even a few months ago, I would have been upset.

I love that I know how it feels to truly be unmasked. It’s such a wonderful and freeing feeling to embrace myself at my core. Because of this, and because I now understand my triggers, I’ve seen a huge reduction in autistic burnout.

Confidence in the workplace

When I started my new job a few months ago, I felt confident enough to embrace my autism and disclose it from the start. I received no judgement, just kindness and inquisitiveness from my boss, wanting to understand how that could impact me at work. That being said, I know this isn’t the case everywhere.  I was fortunate to join a company I already suspected would be accepting.

I’ve started listening to my intuition again. Something I love but had pushed deep down and repressed for so long.

Living authentically (and joyfully)

Now, if I feel like singing or dancing, I will just do it. I don’t suppress my body movements in public and even though I’m still thinking about social cues, I do what is right for me. I’m much more aware of what will overstimulate me, and I’m not afraid to leave a room if it’s too much or ask to move somewhere quieter.

The mask is definitely coming off!

Understanding myself and others better

In my relationship, I’m much more empathetic and understanding of Egg. Because I understand myself better, I can also understand his behaviours and be more adaptable. I don’t remember the last time I had an extreme meltdown at home. I can see my thoughts more clearly and am learning to articulate my emotions, feelings, and thoughts better.

One of my favourite experiences this past year has been truly feeling joy — recognising how it feels in my body and embracing it fully. It feels so good and I can’t wait to experience it more.

Panda and Bunny (my cuddly toys) now come out with me on more trips out of the house. They make me feel safe and secure, and I don’t care what people think when I take them out on public transport to help me stay calm. They haven’t quite made it to work yet but you never know in the future…

I’ve noticed that knowing myself better, unmasking more, and managing overstimulation triggers has made me seem more sensitive. I’m not forcing myself into things and naturally my tolerance levels have gone down. 

I could see this as a setback, but I believe it’s actually me discovering what my own version of ‘normal’ looks like. Making sure that I am doing the right thing for me. It’s ok for me to not be able to manage as much as someone who is neurotypical can. My brain just works in a different way, processing things differently.

It hasn’t all been easy, but it’s been worth it

Just a small note on my mental health over the past year. It hasn’t all been rainbows and sunshine. I’ve cried a lot, and there have been moments of confusion, frustration, and sadness too. But I wouldn’t change it.

I’ve still got a lot to learn about myself, but I’m certainly on the right path. I’m looking forward to what the next year will bring for me.

Your journey matters too

I know everyone’s journey is different. You might be pre-diagnosis, many years post-diagnosis or decided that not getting a diagnosis is right for you. I’d love to hear from you all the same. Any discoveries that you have made or perhaps you might have seen in someone that you know. Let’s share and celebrate our achievements together.

Much love,

Rachael xx

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