The Invisible Onion

Something I’ve become increasingly more aware of since getting my autism diagnosis is having a mental block about doing new things. 

One recent experience really brought this into focus. It was after realising I had put off getting an earring changed for over ten years! 

The earring that took ten years

It sounds absolutely bonkers when you say it out loud, that it took me so long. After I’d gotten my daith pierced, I’d always wanted to have it changed to a gold heart piercing. It seems simple enough, just go to the piercer to get it changed… I kept thinking about it and felt unable to do it. I tried removing it myself so many times and even invested in various tools to try and remove it at home with no success. 

A few months ago, I finally forced myself to book an appointment to get it changed. I went and the person who changed it was absolutely lovely and made me feel at ease. It took about two minutes. The anxiety beforehand was high. Unless I’ve been somewhere before and know the people, the layout, and what to expect, my autistic brain treats it like a threat. The anxiety builds fast.

Understanding the mental block

After the earring incident, I started inquisitively analysing the mental block. Here’s what I’ve started to notice about my own mental blocks.

When does it happen?

For me, I’ve seen a pattern of it being around social interactions, particularly with new people, new places and a new activity. It could be one of these or all of them combined.

How does it feel?

Like there is a wall in my brain physically stopping me from thinking about doing something. It’s extremely hard to push through it.

How does it impact me?

The thought will keep coming back until I eventually do the thing that is being blocked. This definitely is tiring for my brain because of the energy used to repeatedly think about it over and over again. Strong emotions come up when something is being blocked- anxiety, frustration, sometimes despair and sadness. These all affect how I’m feeling and how well I can function and process things that are happening in the present moment.

Seeing mental blocks in my past

And once I understood this pattern, I could suddenly see it in big moments from my past too, especially my wedding.

I was extremely overwhelmed before getting married. I had high anxiety, high burnout and did not cope with the experience very well. I found it confusing because it was meant to be one of the most exciting and happy times of my life but I felt pretty miserable in the lead up. I kept comparing my experience to other people I knew who had gotten married and couldn’t understand why I felt different. Of course, now I’ve had my autism diagnosis it all makes sense.

There’s one particular example of a mental block from the lead up to my wedding that I wanted to share with you. I had my wedding dress custom made. I’d found a picture on Pinterest of what I wanted and shared it with my dress maker. Unfortunately the dress didn’t turn out how I wanted it. I was too scared to say anything.

I had my final fitting for my dress a couple of months before the wedding because my dress maker was going travelling. I took it home, put it in a cupboard and did not even look at it until the wedding day. There was a big mental block around the dress and I just couldn’t break through the wall in my brain to think about it and find a solution. 

On my wedding day, I put the dress on and I had lost a lot of weight in the two months since I had last tried it on. The dress was hanging off me! I remember one of my friends saying to me, “why didn’t you try it on before today?”. I didn’t have an answer, I just knew that I wasn’t able to do it.

Luckily, my friend taped the dress onto me. I didn’t feel good in it, but at least I had something to wear that day, and that felt like the only thing I had capacity for. Looking back, I can see exactly how that mental block showed up. The wall in my brain shut down any ability to think about the dress, make decisions, or take action.

The wedding itself was also very stressful for me, I’ll save that story for a future post!

Familiar places, new situations

Interestingly, even though they are about new things sometimes the block can be about the same type of thing but in a different scenario. I always find I get a block when going to the toilet in a public place. 

Anyone who knows me well will vouch for the fact that I don’t like going to the toilet on my own when out of my house, and will usually get someone to scout out where the toilet is before I can go. I get such a big blocker in my brain that it physically stops me from walking to find the toilet by myself. Even though it’s a familiar scenario, the context is still “new enough” that my brain reacts the same way.

Becoming more aware and kinder to myself

Discovering more about these blockers makes me more aware of them and helps me to catch them before the block becomes too big. I’m actively trying to be more reactive to them and reduce the strain on my mind and body in the long run, supporting myself towards a more sustainable balance.

Whether you experience mental blocks, for similar reasons or completely different ones, I’d love to hear your experience. Sharing always helps us peel back our layers together.

Much love,
Rachael xx

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