A comment made by a friend of a friend recently has triggered a deep dive into masking and the impact it has had on me over the years. I wanted to share some thoughts with you in this post.
When someone said “You don’t act autistic”
I was at my friend’s house a few weeks ago celebrating her birthday. It was just before Christmas and we were doing some Christmas crafts. I was chatting to one of her friends that I get on well with. She was open with me, sharing about having ADHD and how it has impacted her.
A little later on in the day, I felt comfortable opening up about my journey with autism because I felt like she would be a safe space. Her first response to me sharing was, “You don’t act like you have autism”.
My response to this was, “It’s because I mask a lot”. Upon reflection, I feel like I could have explained so much better but as I was in a social setting with people I don’t know all that well, I was already on high alert and my brain was unable to explain any further at that point.
How is someone with autism supposed to act? There’s a lot of research out there now showing that many women are high masking and don’t show the stereotypical signs of autism.
Reflecting upon the comment a week later, I was upset. I thought it was a silly response and interpreted it as if she didn’t believe me.
Now having had more time to process, I think that she was just surprised and she genuinely had no idea because of my ability to mask so well. She’s known me at social gatherings for over 15 years, so her view was based off of a long period of knowing me.
Where my masking began
So when did masking begin for me? It was a learned behaviour that I have used to fit in, from a small child. I’ve developed very strong empathic skills from observing and copying people like a chameleon.
I would try my best to please people, doing whatever they wanted and adapting to them to make them feel more comfortable with me.
No wonder my young brain was full of anxiety, panic and many, many confused thoughts. I was processing a lot of information. More than a small child should be.
Then, over the years, the cycle continued. I would lose track of what was right and wrong because I was so focused on doing and saying what I thought people wanted me to do and say.
I’d often be asked a simple question like, “what do you want to eat?”, and be unable to answer it because of trying to work out in my head what the person wanted me to answer. I’d stay in silence. People would think I was just being shy, but really there was so much more going on.
How masking helped me survive
Masking for me is a safety mechanism that I switch on to protect myself from the outside world.
Masking has been really helpful in work settings. On paper, I’ve been able to excel in sales meetings because I’ve been able to mould myself to the person that I am speaking to. Mimicking their tone of voice, mannerisms and communication style. When I worked in sales I progressed pretty quickly and hit all of my targets and I genuinely think that my masking contributed hugely to it.
The cost of staying masked
Unfortunately masking is not sustainable for me. The effort needed to keep the mask in place takes its toll. It leads to a very tired, alert and depleted brain and body.
Forcing my body into movements and positions to appear ‘normal’, alongside a super active brain that desperately needs a break. I believe that pushing myself to mask consistently for years led to me getting diagnosed with ME and fibromyalgia.
Learning when it’s safe to take it off
Post-diagnosis I’ve definitely been shedding the mask in a lot of situations, but it’s still going to be there to protect me when I need it. I know the toll it takes on my mind and body now and plan nurturing care for myself around those high masking situations.
I schedule rest days so that I have time to recover, focusing on soothing and grounding activities, like gentle nature walks and forest bathing, yoga nidra and relaxation, and sitting and exploring body sensations and emotions with an inquisitive mindset.
In case you are interested, I’ve recently discovered an incredible yoga nidra teacher, called Ally, on the Insight Timer app. Her voice is so soothing and her sessions are like a cosy duvet for your nervous system, allowing it to rest and reset. All tracks are free and you can access her page here.
Masking has been a constant companion throughout my life. Protective, exhausting, and often invisible to others.
It once helped me survive. Learning when to take it off is helping me live.
Much love,
Rachael xx
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