After receiving my autism diagnosis, a flood of memories came back, mostly from childhood. These moments, where I felt different or misunderstood, brought back a mix of confusion, sadness, and frustration. I found myself stuck with uncomfortable thoughts and a body that felt unsettled.
As well as the above, I felt that I wasn’t being my authentic self and didn’t know where to start to find out how to navigate it. I decided that I wanted to talk to a professional about it. Unfortunately, my doctors were not very supportive and were unable to offer me a referral so I decided to find a therapist privately.
My key criteria were finding a neurodivergent specialist therapist, who was also neurodivergent themselves. I wanted someone who really did understand what I was talking about and how my brain works, and luckily I found the perfect person!
I want to share with you the series of key moments of discovery within my therapy sessions, that helped me understand my emotions and that led me to feel more confident in myself and who I am.
It all started with slowing down
There were so many thoughts in my head that I couldn’t piece together, and strong, unpleasant feelings in my body that caused me to feel overwhelmed and exhausted.
I discovered that slowing down was the first step that I needed to take. I spent time proactively not rushing and not jumping to the next thing. Making a conscious effort to slow down.
Next came noticing
The slowing down allowed me the opportunity to notice what was going on inside my body and my brain.
I discovered that I have a part of my brain that I call The Machine that is constantly whirring, thinking and trying to find solutions. There is another yet unnamed part in my brain that is always trying to keep going, keep pushing through and striving for perfection.
I noticed that fear was the only emotion that I could feel and had felt in my body for as long as I can remember. That was quite a big moment for me. I could only experience other emotions through my thoughts. No wonder that I have struggled to understand emotions for so long and how they appear to suddenly catch me unawares in a big outburst or meltdown!
Then allowing
At this point I had to learn to not try to fix anything, which is not easy for me. My brain has become naturally accustomed to fix, improve and solve every issue that I face. I’m sure this stems from the high level of masking I do in order to fit in, and my brain is trying to protect me from making any mistakes.
Allowing for me, means embracing all parts of myself and allowing whatever is there to be there.
Followed by feeling
Because I was allowing sensations, thoughts and emotions to be present without suppressing them, I could feel so much more. I started experiencing emotions that I don’t think I have ever felt before in my body.
I remember a friend telling me last year how she felt when she fell in love. She said it was an all consuming warmth radiating from her heart and at the time, I was so confused because I had never felt that. I knew that I loved my husband and could list out an extensive list of why I loved him, but had not experienced what love felt like as an emotion in my body.
Feeling emotions has been an amazing experience, which is definitely still in progress. I’m feeling new emotions all the time. Some are unpleasant, some are great, and I am embracing them all equally. I think I had been suppressing my emotions from quite a young age.
Creating space
From truly feeling my emotions, I noticed a shift in my head of more capacity to think and just generally have more room to process thoughts, feeling and emotions. I can physically feel more space in my head. It feels less tight, painful, cloudy and confused and is so wonderful!
More energy, a lifted mood and greater confidence
I think the suppression of my emotions took up an awful lot of my energy, and now some space has been freed up in my head, because my brain isn’t working in overdrive, it has led to increased energy.
For someone who massively struggles with burnout and low energy levels, seeing even a slight shift for the better in my energy levels is so incredible. This boost of energy has naturally lifted my mood.
I’m feeling more confident to be myself and have more confidence in myself in general. This is helping me learn how to be more authentically myself.
I’m so pleased with the progress that I have made, but I certainly haven’t reached the end of my journey on this topic. I’m discovering how different emotions feel in my body. I’m no longer consumed by fear, although I do allow it when its there, and I’m inquisitive to new sensations.
I’m constantly checking in with myself and making sure that I am following the process that I have created for myself. I use my learnings now as a tool to keep me on the correct path to continue growing and evolving. I’ve created a visual to help lay my self discovery journey out for you, and hope it helps guide you in your own individual path too.
If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your story too. Feel free to comment or message me. There’s real strength in sharing.
Much love,
Rachael xx
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