My cuddly toys, or as I like to call them ‘snugglers’, are incredibly important to me. They offer comfort, emotional regulation, and are always there when I need them most.
I wanted to share with you two of my most treasured possessions and explain why they are so vital to my everyday life as an autistic person.
Meet Bunny – my lifelong companion
Bunny is my rock and has been with me since I was born.
As a child, I would carry her everywhere with me and would get very upset if I didn’t have her in my hand. She is my security blanket, my quiet sounding board and my closest companion.
She knows my inner thinking and deepest secrets. She has been with me through my hardest times and is always there to comfort me and never judge.
When I struggle to express my emotions, she provides me with a calm, constant support that I don’t get through anyone else. I cuddle her and hold her when things get tough. I stroke her soft fur when I feel overstimulated to calm myself down and she supports me with my emotional regulation.
Bunny’s big makeover
Bunny had been loved so deeply over the years that she was starting to fall apart. I’d sewn up her holes so many times and a lot of her stuffing had fallen out. It was making me upset and I was worried that she would fall apart completely. My friend’s mum had patched her up for me, but I knew that it was only a temporary fix.
Over the past couple of years, I came to the conclusion that if I wanted her with me for the rest of my life, I’d need to get her fixed professionally. I was extremely anxious about being apart from her that I put it off for as long as I could.
Earlier this year, I sent Bunny to Leith Toy Hospital in Edinburgh. I’d done a lot of research and they looked like the best of the best for fixing toys. I was able to select Bunny as an urgent repair because of the emotional distress it would cause me being away from her. This meant she would only be away for a maximum of 3 weeks.
I sent Bunny away in a special bed that I made for her and checked the postal tracking every 5 minutes to make sure that she arrived safely. Being without her felt like a part of me was missing, like there was a hole in my being. I experienced increased anxiety and overwhelm.
My best friend sent me her favourite cuddly toy, who I love, and is a similar size and feel to Bunny. This massively helped me whilst Bunny was away, and particularly helped me be able to sleep because I really struggle sleeping without Bunny in my hand.
When Bunny was fixed, I was sent pictures of her and initially didn’t like the results. I didn’t think she looked like herself. This is because she had changed so much since I had first got her as a child and I didn’t remember what she looked like. My parents had to dig out some old photos to show me that she looked perfect. I don’t like it when things change in general, particularly with my cuddly toys and it took me a little adjustment to get used to Bunny’s new and improved look.
When she came home, I snatched the package from the post person and literally ripped the box open because I couldn’t wait to hold Bunny again. When I got her out, I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t move from the fetal position for quite a while.
I’m so happy we are reunited and that we will spend many more years together.
Say hello to Panda – loud, proud, and joyful
I’ve had Panda since I was a teenager and he was a gift from my dad when he went on holiday with my brother.
Panda’s personality is loud, vivacious and fabulously sassy. He loves wearing his multi-coloured T-shirt, eating food, dancing, singing and expressing himself to the world.
He encourages me to listen to my intuition and go with my gut when making decisions, and to embrace happiness, joy and the fun things in life.
Two snugglers, two sides to me
I believe both of my cuddly toys are part of my personality. Bunny is quiet, observant and unassuming. Panda is excited, inquisitive and full of joy. I have both sides to me and both of my toys help me to process and express different types of emotions that I feel. They are both there for me no matter what.
A detour I regret- hiding my toys away
There was a time in my late teens and early 20s when I decided that I had grown-out of cuddly toys. I felt the peer pressure that cuddly toys weren’t cool and that I had to not be seen with them in order to fit in.
I deeply regret that time because those were some of the hardest years of my life, and I didn’t have my toys with me as much as I needed them for support. I still cuddled them in bed, but the rest of the time, I kept them hidden away.
I don’t know what changed my mind, but one day I realised how much I needed them so they came out of hiding much more. I’m very grateful that I had that realisation.
Snugglers on the move- gaining my confidence
As an adult, it’s not always easy being with your cuddly toys, particularly in public places. I get anxious about what other people will think because it’s not the norm to still need your cuddly toys when you are an adult.
I am getting more confident with taking my toys out with me in public. Panda tends to come out more than Bunny because he likes exploring more. They both come with me on longer journeys.
These days, I worry much less about what people think when I take them out while travelling. The benefits of having them with me far outweigh the worry about what other people think.
The ‘what ifs’ of losing them
Sometimes anxious little scenarios pop into my head, like what if I accidentally left one of them on a train or in a hotel room? I have to keep telling myself that the chances of that happening are very small, but the anxiety is still there in the back of my mind!
I know that I can’t let that anxiety rule my decisions on whether to take them with me somewhere because their emotional regulation benefits are so important for me.
Cuddly toys aren’t just for children
Cuddly toys don’t need to be just for children, or even just for adults with autism. They can bring so much support, joy and grounding into anyone’s life.
Got a snuggler too? Let’s share stories!
I’d love to hear your stories. Do you have any snugglers of your own? Got any cute pics or comforting tales to share?
Much love,
Rachael xx
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