Autistic Overwhelm on Holiday: When Everything Built Up

Last week Egg (that’s my husband) and I went to a coastal port in Southern Spain. My experience was filled with a number of surprises that led to anxiety, feeling unsafe, and autistic overwhelm on holiday.

Holidays create so many cherished memories for me. I really look forward to them and am sad when they are over. My all-time favourite holiday was my sensory-friendly trip to Tokyo last year. Because of the change from my usual routine, holidays naturally cause me some dysregulation that I have to navigate, but this time it was different.

A Promising Start

Upon arrival, the sun was shining. I was wearing my new cowboy hat, ready for some cute photos in the picturesque mountain scenery and excited to have fun with Egg. We were able to check into our apartment early. I was greeted by a friendly cat outside our apartment, who made me feel the comforts of my cats at home. The apartment was spacious, clean and I felt at ease.

Waking on the second day, I started experiencing a dodgy tummy. This isn’t abnormal for me. My food sensitivity and intolerance list is extensive, along with having long-standing IBS, so I thought nothing of it.

I had a shower in the lovely tropical shower in the bathroom and noticed that afterwards, the floor was completely flooded. I’m talking about water levels over my feet. The shower had no raised area around it. It clearly was going to flood every time and there wasn’t anything that could be done unless the layout of the bathroom was changed. I put on my foam sliders so I didn’t have to wade through water. Egg was amazing and mopped the floor every day after showering to reduce the amount of water.

I felt like this was a small issue. I could feel my dysregulation creeping up, but it was manageable.

When Things Started to Build

As the week went on, small things, that on their own would have been manageable, started to build up, leaving me feeling overwhelmed. My stomach issues continued to deteriorate. I was in a lot of pain and had to keep running to the toilet. I think it’s likely that I picked up a stomach bug on the plane.

When I’m feeling poorly, I like to lie in a comfy spot, and wrap myself up in my weighted blanket with my cuddly toys. It helps ground me and signal to my brain that I am safe. I couldn’t find a comfy spot in the apartment. There were chairs and two sofas in the living area but they just didn’t cut it for me. I rearranged them into different angles and joined some of them together, but still couldn’t get comfortable.

Anxiety started to creep in. My body tensed, and I could feel the neuroplastic pain beginning to rise.

Usually, when on holiday on the coast, you can hire a sun lounger for the day on a beach. This could have been a great way for me to create the safe, comfy feeling that my body craved. Unfortunately, because we were out of season, there were no sunbeds available anywhere.

Feeling dysregulated, I was trying to put on a brave face and enjoy our holiday. I didn’t want to ruin it for Egg. We did see some incredible sights that I am truly grateful for.

The Tipping Point

On our last full day, the temperature was slightly higher than the other days. After a slow morning, we were looking forward to spending a day out in the sun, exploring some of the local natural scenery.

Two minutes before we arrived at our destination, our hire car lurched and there was a sudden bang. I was holding my phone in my hand and it flew across the inside of the car. The car scraped across the curb.

Luckily we were going quite slowly and we were both uninjured. We got out of the car to find out what had happened. One of the tyres had exploded, causing the splash guard to come off, wrapping around the tyre. There was a big scratch across the bumper where the car had hit the curb.

My body went into high alert. I went into full shut down mode. I felt unable to speak or think, anxious and withdrawn.

We spent the next five hours getting a replacement car. A breakdown company arrived, inspected the vehicle and towed it away. We had to wait for a taxi to take us back to the car hire company at the airport and then drive our new car back. By the time this was all done, the sun was setting.

When we got back to the apartment, I was feeling drained, overwhelmed and sorely missing my home comforts. I was hungry but scared to eat food because of my stomach being so reactive and painful. I just wanted to go home.

Egg started making dinner for us and suddenly let out a high pitched yelp. My body braced again… I wanted to know what had caused it but was also not ready for another surprise.

There was a rather large cockroach in our kitchen. I refused to go near it. Egg killed it, but that tipped me over the edge. I went into full panic mode and wanted to escape, but there was nowhere for me to escape to.

Feeling very anxious and unsafe, I decided to go to bed without eating. My skin was crawling at the thought that there were more cockroaches lingering in the apartment.

I tried to sleep as best I could and fortunately it was daylight saving time, so I got one less hour of sleep before I woke up. Usually I’m not a fan of getting one less hour of sleep but considering how I was feeling, I welcomed waking up to travel home the next day.

Coming Home and Recovering

On the way to the airport, Egg told me he saw a giant spider in the bathroom a few hours after the cockroach. I’m not usually scared of spiders but I’m glad he decided not to tell me because I think it would have made me even more panicked and overwhelmed.

We arrived at the airport five hours before our flight. Ridiculously early. I wanted to be in the airport ready to get on the flight home with nothing stopping me.

I enjoyed my time waiting. We found a nice spot in a cafe. I put on my noise cancelling headphones and zoned out with some colouring.

When we finally made it home after our flight, which was bumpy, I started crying with joy when I saw my cats. I was so happy when I got into bed and snuggled in with my weighted blanket. Never have I been so happy to be home from holiday!

Five days after arriving home, I’m still feeling the after effects of my holiday dysregulation. My stomach is not improving and I’m awaiting test results from the doctors.

I’ve been processing strong waves of emotions that I was trying to contain whilst away to try to make the most of my holiday. I’m burnt out and am taking things slow to try to get back to feeling more regulated.

When I’m recovered, I know that I’ll look back and laugh at this experience. It was unusual and extreme. A reminder of how quickly small things can build and tip me into overwhelm.

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Much love,

Rachael xx

The Invisible Onion