Deciding Whether to Have a Baby: How My Late Autism Diagnosis Changed Everything

Deciding whether to have a baby has been something I’ve wrestled with over many years, even before my autism diagnosis.

As a child, it wasn’t something that I thought about. I wasn’t one of those girls who knew that they were destined to be a mum.

Having mental health and identity hardships throughout my twenties and into my thirties, and then adding on chronic health conditions into the mix, I didn’t think that I was capable of being a mother.

Three years ago, aged 33, I was feeling so much pressure about the ticking clock of my reproductive system. Egg (that’s my husband) and I had decided to try for a baby. Looking back, I realise I was trying because I felt I was running out of time, not because I truly felt ready.

Coming Off the Mirena Coil

At that time, I’d been on the Mirena coil for ten years and on various different hormonal pills for almost ten years prior. I was initially put on the pill as a teenager because I had such heavy and painful periods.

I didn’t have much luck with any of the pills but the Mirena completely stopped my periods. It was life-changing. Mitigating the awful periods but also the very bad PMS symptoms that I would get for the majority of each month.

When I had the Mirena removed to try for a baby, I was initially excited to have my periods back again, but that quickly changed.

The periods themselves were actually much better than when I was younger, but the emotional rollercoaster each month from hormonal changes was too much to handle. My mental health was struggling a lot and I couldn’t cope with the constantly changing emotions.

After three months, we decided to stop trying and for me to have Mirena coil put back in. It took another three months of being on a waiting list until the actual appointment.

I felt like a failure. I was never going to be able to be a mother if I couldn’t even manage having a period every month. That thought sent me into a dark place of self loathing and emotional pain.

I told myself and everyone around me that I didn’t want children. It was easier to say that. It masked my pain and stopped conversations developing any further on that topic. That’s how I wanted it.

How My Late Autism Diagnosis Changed Everything

Around the same time, I was also exploring potentially having autism and in the same year started my journey of referral for diagnosis. The year after, I got my late autism diagnosis and started the journey of self-understanding and nervous system regulation that I’m on today.

Fast forward two years and I’m in a much better place.

I feel more confident in who I am as a person, whilst needing to mask less and less. I’m able to recognise and sit with my emotions, plus I have a number of tools and techniques in place to support me every day.

As I became more settled in myself, I found myself looking at motherhood differently.

I admitted to myself that I did want children, I was just protecting myself by saying that I didn’t. I spent a few months processing those emotions and making sure that I was definitely in a better space.

My chronic illnesses are still here, but I believe that I can still be a great mother and be emotionally present even if I’m feeling poorly.

When I was feeling ready, I spoke with Egg and we decided to try again for a baby.

Trying Again

This time around, I felt more prepared to deal with the unpredictable hormones. I’ve enjoyed being inquisitive and noticing the changes in my body throughout each phase of my cycle. It’s been fun! Not something I would ever have expected to use to describe having periods.

I’ve had days of pain and hormonal slumps but my approach to them has changed. I’m no longer dreading them and pushing against them. I’m embracing them and welcoming them, even if it brings pain or a bad mood.

Then, something amazing happened… After only having 2 full cycles, I’ve found out that I’m pregnant! I honestly can’t believe it’s happened so quickly. I was fully prepared for a long battle being 36, and also knowing that we had tried for 6 months a few years ago and had no luck.

My Cat Knew Before I Did

I took a test before my period was due purely because of my cat. She is a special girl and is a rescue. She shows affection in her own way but rarely will approach me to be snuggled, it’s usually me approaching her.

For about five days, I noticed her being extremely loving, coming up to me to be snuggled and not wanting to leave my side. I was surprised but also very happy for the extra attention from my girl.

It got me thinking… Why is she being so attentive? Could she be sensing a change in me? I thought, perhaps I should take a pregnancy test just to see. So I did. She knew before I did!

I did the test on a Saturday morning, whilst Egg was out for a run. I couldn’t wait to tell him so I called him saying I had an emergency and he needed to come home instantly. He was disgruntled that I had interrupted his run, but of course was overjoyed when he came through the door and I shoved the pregnancy test in his face!

Looking Back

For me, it’s been a long journey to feeling ready to become a mum. I just needed a little more time than other people to be ready and that is perfectly okay. I think the timing is the best it could be for me with where I am in my life and how I am feeling day to day. Looking forward to exploring this next phase in my life and sharing it all with you.

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Much love,

Rachael xx

The Invisible Onion